Wolf Parade - Call it a Ritual.

call it whatever you will. (ha!)

Wolf Parade - Call it a Ritual.

mc chris-nrrrd grrrl

decent track, can't wait for the lp.

mc chris- nrrrd grrrl

Beirut- Monna Pomona

I may as well rename this blog to the beirut blog. I'm sorry, but this song is really good. I know they are mostly all good. But this one is exceptional. Like a mix from his Joys of Losing Weight album and the Pompeii EP to something like Gulag overtones. Also, they are going on tour super soon. My ticket to the show just came in the mail today. Word to your mom.


Monna Pomona

Flight of the Conchords- The Distant Future

Great show. Great songs. Almost all of them are catchy as hell. Enjoy.

Flight of the Conchords - The Distant Future.

beirut- my night with the prostitute from marseilles.

let it grow on you.

My night with prostitute from marseilles.

MC Frontalot - Secrets From The Future

MC Frontalot

Secrets From The Future

Rating: NERDTASTIC

This is MC Frontalot's second album, and usually, as we all know, second albums usually suck, or are not so good. But this one is goooood you guys, The cover art was done by Mike Krahulik, from Penny Arcade, if you have never read Penny Arcade, i strongly suggest you remove yourself from whatever rock you have been hiding under and check them out, they are like Gods. But this isn't about Penny Arcade, this is about MC Frontalot, and since his first album was truly exquisite, it's kind of hard to not feel like this album is a little weaker, because it is, but the problem is that it is still a strong album, just not AS strong, whereas Nerdcore Rising had that instantaneous sort of reaction like "wow, this is good!" Secrets From the Future takes a little time to grow on you, but once it does grow on you, there are quite a few solid tracks. Definitely recommend you give this a few spins.

MC Frontalot - Secrets From The Future.

Final Fantasy Live

Final Fantasy

Live + Flare Gun

Rating: Good (the quality isn't so hot.)

This is live Final Fantasy, I shouldn't even have to say anymore than that. If you have seen Final Fantasy live then you know that he puts on one of the greatest live shows ever, second only to (arguably) The Arcade Fire. For some reason this live show compilation is only made up of covers, the real highlights are "This Modern Love" Bloc Party cover and "No Cars Go" Arcade Fire cover. This is also includes a not live version of "Flare Gun," which is Final Fantasy's new song, it's about spam I guess. Oh, fuck. Did you guys know he's working with Zach on Beirut's new album. Good fucking Christ. I don't know if the world is ready for that jelly.


Final Fantasy Live + Flare Gun.

Patton Oswalt - Werewolves and Lollipops

Patton Oswalt

Werewolves and Lollipops

Score: Fucking Hilarious

You might have seen Patton Oswalt before, he's been doing standup for about twenty years and has been in a couple movies (small parts) and a regular on King Of Queens, he was probably the best part of that show. He's in that new movie Ratatouille (or something), it's about a rat that does stuff or cooks or something, fuck this shit. I'm done.

Patton Oswalt - Werewolves and Lollipops.

It's been a looong time.

So, as the title of the post suggests, I kind of quit blogging. It's not that I dislike blogging, I like it quite a bit. But this is first and foremost, a music blog. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm quite verbose in my writing, and that spills over to the blog posts. This isn't a good thing.

It usually takes me a day or two to write ONE review, now with work, videogames, books, etc. I can't be using all my time to blog. So I have decided from now on to only write small bits about the albums I post. I will save the verbosity for my diary. I have also stopped giving numerical ratings to the albums. I was wondering how you can listen to an album and then come up with some number, it doesn't really make much sense. From now on I'll just say if it's good or not and let you be the judge.

The New Pornographers - Challengers

New Pornographers

Challengers

Rating: Okay.

Challengers is pretty much par for the course as far as The New Pornographers are concerned, the start feels a slower than anything on Twin Cinema, but it kind of picks up with "Myriad Harbor" and then it's mostly poppy. If you liked Twin Cinema or if you just love The New Pornographers, this is probably for you. If you are looking to jump into The New Pornographers, this probably isn't their best album. Enjoy.



New Pornographers - Challengers

Sunset Rubdown Live!

Sunset Rubdown Live!

Live At Neumo’s

Score: Good Christ!

It’s been a while. I’ve been working on projects no one cares about, etc. So I thought I’d post a shawty today. It’s Sunset Rubdown, you guys! Fuck. It’s so good. Sunset Rubdown came to town a while ago but I wasn’t old enough to go. That was the day my soul died.

ANYWAY, it’s live so you can expect all the drunken screams. Spencer (who is a God by the way) is surprisingly soft spoken. His wild yelps are no indication of his real voice, which is found odd. But my beautiful falsetto isn’t really indicative of my voice. So maybe it isn’t that weird.

There are some nice new tracks on here. So enjoy it, it will probably be a month or two before Sunset Rubdown’s next album leaks.

I’ll be heading to Sasquatch(!) on Friday, so I probably won’t post anything. But then again, I never post anything anyway. I’m really just padding this post to make myself feel better. I feel good now. Do you?

Sunset Rubdown Live At Neumos

Beirut - Small Time American Bats - Record Review...Sorta.

Beirut

Small Time American Bats.

Score: 7.5

There is almost nothing on the planet earth about this record. From what I can tell, it’s before Zach Condon started to get heavily into Balkan music. But it’s still good! When I heard that Beirut would be abandoning the big brass and moving in different directions I got worried. I loved the brass and the sweeping melodies that came with it. After listening to a lot of Zach’s different stuff, I can sleep easy at night. The Real People, the Pompeii EP, and now Small Time American Bats, show that he is actually a great musician, not just a one trick pony. Even though I love the fucking trick. So let’s get down to Small Time American Bats. I think I read that it was recorded in 2002 or 2003. A couple years before Gulag Orkestar shattered all of us. There are only THREE (3) songs on the record, which means your joy will be short lived.

The first track is called “The Fish Inside of Me,” and while it is good. It is probably the weakest track on the record. Ugh, listen. Fuck this track by track bullshit. I can really appreciate the low production values and simplicity of the record. With Gulag, etc. It was all about being grandiose, but on these tracks he is just a normal kid making music in his basement. There is piano, a guitar and a drum machine. Oh and Condon’s beautiful voice to drive it along. Like I said, there are only three tracks. After the first track, shit starts to heat up with the last two, “We covered the west in phone lines,” and “The electric show.” Both are magnificent. Apologies for the shortness, but you know how Beirut leaves me grasping for words.

Beirut - Small Time American Bats

Ben Gibbard! Live!

Ben Gibbard.

Live At The 9:30 Club In Washington.

Score: Cool!

Ben Gibbard has, and probably always will be, the man who saved my life. The man who wrested my body from the dark grips of “alternative music,” think Linkin Park. Oh! How I suffered! One day I was searching around the internet, thinking about how my musical life had really gone down hill lately. I mean, yes, there was hip-hop (which I still enjoy), but there was also that genre of music that can only be described as the “Nickelback” genre. This genre is so grotesque that I am loath to even speak its name aloud, much like the students of Hogwarts are stricken with fear at the very mention of the Dark Lord Voldemort (fuck, man the movie and book come out soon). ANYWAY, my MP3 device was filled to bursting with His Dark Materials. The Materials being, Nickelback, Theory of a Deadman, and, oh Jesus, Default.

Are you shivering too? The hairs on my neck are standing at attention, like soldiers hearing their call to arms. UGH, ANYWAY, listen. I was searching around on the internet, thinking that I needed some new fucking flavor. I was typing nonsensical things into Yahoo (my search engine of choice at the time) when POW, this website stood out among all others. EPITONIC. I liked to say it, it was catchy and it rolled off of my tongue with such ease! “Click it.” A voice whispered. I did as I was instructed, who was whispering in my ear was not important, that they kept blowing lightly on the nape of my neck, was.

So I clicked Epitonic. *Click* Here has been clicked. I am on their homepage, it is so vast, as vast as the Pacific Ocean. How the FUCK am I supposed to choose which band to listen to? Well, if you are like me (and I very much doubt that you are) you pick the band with the coolest name. I went through tons of bands, some of which I still like to this day, but nothing really gripped me. I couldn’t connect. There was Three Mile Pilot, which I liked, but not enough to don the armor of indie rock until my body could bear it no more. Then I saw them.

Death Cab For Cutie. Exquisite. I downloaded the two or three tracks that were offered on the free. It was like the coming of the Apocalypse. This band, Death Cab For Cutie, had entered my world and brought with it a wave of destruction. Ben Gibbard had raised a war horn to his lips and crooned gently into it, vaporizing my beloved “alternative rockers” one by one with each concussion blast of his eerily angelic voice. The track was “Photobooth,” and I’ll never forget how it made me feel that fateful summer, like four years ago?! Fucking ridiculous. I still remember how fresh it was and how I felt so rejuvenated after hearing it. Like, here is something genuinely delicious to listen to, my ears agree that it is scrumptious. I would be ridiculed for years for listening to Death Cab for Cutie and Bright Eyes or, until it caught on. Which is just happening now! Those were bleak times indeed.

Years later, I still love Death Cab for Cutie, not as intensely as I did all those years ago. But something about their songs still resonate with me. I listen to Death Cab for Cutie when I am in the throes of (what could be loosely defined as) passion.

SO, this live show was recorded at a club, and as is the case with clubs, there are people. Annoying people. You have been warned! Also, the recording is a little spotty in some parts, but all in all an enjoyable listen, I really like his banter. A little nerdy. But at “music is for eating” that is what we are about.

Oh, and look at his fucking glasses. I love this man.

PS. The file is fucking huge.

Ben Gibbard Live.

Spiderman 3 OST- Record Review

Spiderman 3 OST

Various Artists

Score: 6.8

There’s always something a little tawdry about the Spiderman soundtracks. Something so dark and cheap that I am loath to even write about it, they are just so engineered. You don’t believe me? Okay, well, let’s let the tracklists for the last two Spiderman soundtracks speak for themselves, shall we?

Spiderman (2002)

1. Theme From Spider Man

2. Hero - Chad Kroeger (feat. Josey Scott)

3. What We're All About - Sum 41

4. Learn To Crawl - Black Lab

5. Somebody Else – Bleu

6. Bug Bites - Alien Ant Farm

7. Blind – Default

8. Bother - Corey Taylor

9. Shelter - Greenwheel

10. When It Started - The Strokes

11. Hate To Say I Told You So - The Hives

12. Invisible Man - Theory Of A Dead Man

13. Undercover - Pete Yorn

14. My Nutmeg Phantasy - Macy Gray (feat. Angie Stone and Mos Def)(Tom Morello Mix)

15. I - IV - V - Injected

16. She Was My Girl - Jerry Cantrell

17. Main Titles - Danny Elfman

18. Farewell - Danny Elfman

19. Theme from Spiderman – Aerosmith

This blatantly cashes in on the Nickelback craze; in fact, I think that THREE of the bands on this soundtrack are either Nickelback or Nickelback operating under a different guise. Oh and then there’s that song “What we’re all about” by Sum 41 where the chorus was “ROCK! It’s what we’re all about, it’s what we live for, come on and shout it out!” I thought it was always really funny to substitute the “ROCK!” with “COCK!” and the “we’re” with “you’re” I had very few friends. ANYWAY, this cashes in on the musical fad of 2002 which were.

1.) Nickelback.

2.) Bands that sounded like Nickelback.

3.) “The” Bands, The Hives, The Strokes, The Vines, The The’s

4.) Danny Elfman.

Now that I have distilled their dark work, let’s begin on the second Spiderman soundtrack.

Spiderman 2 (2004)

1. Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional

2. Ordinary - Train

3. Did You - Hoobastank

4. Hold On – Jet

5. Gifts And Curses - Yellowcard

6. Woman - Maroon 5

7. This Photograph Is Proof (I Know You Know) - Taking Back Sunday

8. Give It Up - Midtown

9. Lucky You – lostprophets

10. Who I Am - Smile Empty Soul

11. The Night That The Lights Went Out In NYC - The Ataris

12. We Are - Ana

13. Someone To Die For - Jimmy Gnecco featuring Brian May

14. Spidey Suite - Danny Elfman

15. Doc Ock Suite - Danny Elfman

AHHHH! The game they play is so brazen! This is obviously a vehicle for the 2004 musical fad. One that hasn’t really disintegrated, but hasn’t been thriving as heartily as it was in 2004; in 2004 there was a fucking surfeit of these bands, and they were a dime a fucking dozen. And they sounded like it! Why would they pile shitty bands onto a soundtrack for an almost awesome movie? The logic is so abstruse that I can’t even begin to grapple with it. To try would be akin to going toe to toe with Goliath. That being said, I can honestly say that I did not enjoy this soundtrack at all. With Spiderman that “Hero” song was my fucking theme song that summer. Not only because I loved Spiderman, but there was something so epic about it.

However, with this one, the soundtrack was tuned toward people that were listening to things totally independent of my culture.

I never understood the allure of Dashboard Confessional; I understood why females loved him, he was all torn up about shit. About how girls didn’t like him and always left him, but the thing they failed to realize was that Chris Carraba was fucking rolling in vagina. The very thought of that disgusts me. You fucking knew that when he got off stage he stepped into his dressing room and WHOOSH! He was knee deep in vagina!

ANYWAY, on this one it was the pop/punk/”emo” vibe they tried to cash in on. And I’m sure when they released it, the clouds opened up and cash money poured from the sky and the Sony execs, mouths open, face turned skyward, swallowed it all up in one gulp.

OKAY, so we have ripped apart the first two Spiderman soundtracks, now let’s dig in on the third.

Spiderman 3 (2007)

1. Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

2. Move Away - The Killers

3. Sealings - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

4. Pleased To Meet You - Wolfmother

5. Red River - The Walkmen

6. Stay Free - Black Mountain

7. The Supreme Being Teaches Spider-Man How To Be In Love - The Flaming Lips

8. Scared Of Myself - Simon Dawes

9. The Twist - Chubby Checker

10. Sightlines - Rogue Wave

11. Summer Day - Coconut Records

12. Falling Star - Jet

13. Portrait Of A Summer Thief - Sounds Under Radio

14. A Letter From St. Jude - Wasted Youth

15. Small Parts - The Oohlas

The ploy is once again naked, stripped bare and laid in front of us. There is something different about this record, though. This record has GOOD songs. Unlike the last two, the tracks selected are decent; I can listen to most of them without crying out in anguish. Even bands that usually suck have done good things. They done as good as they could.

For instance, let’s take Snow Patrol’s “Signal Fire.” I used to like Snow Patrol, they had some good songs “Spitting Games”, “Chocolate”, “Run”, etc. But ever since “Chasing Cars” has been on every single fucking TV show on every single fucking network, my tolerance for them hath grown short. But “Signal Fire” is actually a genuinely decent song. Let’s put it this way, I don’t love it, but at the same time, I don’t execrate it.

Fuck man, even The Killers song isn’t horrible! The end is fucking nigh.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs contribute a good song, and I don’t even really like them. I’ll stop here because I’ll probably say the same thing about every track. It is okay.

The theme of this album is obviously “alternative rock” which is a mainstream way of saying “independent” even though some of these guys aren’t. But they have the feel of independent. Whenever I start to get into the music, I remember it is the fucking Spiderman 3 soundtrack and I feel really cheap and dirty. And for that reason, I could never really love it.

Spiderman 3 OST

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! Live!

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

Live Bonus Tracks

Score: Hit and Miss!

So I’m a big Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! fan, partly because they hyperbolize that shit! And I love to hyperbolize. As for their live recording…well, it’s hit and miss. During some tracks you can hear some drunk people singing, that’s never a good sign (except if it’s me belting out Big Pimpin’) Also with the lead singers voice, it’s hard for him to nail that squeal every time. I don’t blame him, I’m just saying.

Look, I’m only posting this so I can get 10 posts in one month. I’ve got my hand in too many fucking cookie jars! I’m working, writing TWO (2) separate essays, both monolithic in stature, Spiderman 3 comes out on Friday, Michael Chabon’s new book comes out tomorrow, I’m getting a ping-pong table, I’m working on some music, and some music reviews (full albums!) I’ve got like 6 on the go right now, I’m looking forward to reviewing MC Frontalot’s new album, as well as a couple of mc chris’s stuff (which is dominating my “25 most played” playlist)

Oh yeah, and if all that shit wasn’t bad enough, Mass Effect isn’t coming out until September, fuck you, Bioware. (if you aren’t a gamer…well then that made no sense)

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! Live!

The Shins Live!

The Shins

Live iTunes Exclusive

Score: Subpar!

I’m not a big fan of The Shins. This might come as a startling surprise to most of you. Because how can you like indie rock and not like The Shins? It’s like blasphemy except worse! Listen, I have no problem with The Shins, it’s just that I don’t enjoy them as much as everyone else does, I also have the same sort of relationship with Feist (and as a Canadian, I receive double the flack) But just because Zach Braff pimped it in Garden State doesn’t make them a great band, they are a good band. Some of their songs are really good, some subpar. I’m sorry if you didn’t want to hear this from your savior.

Ps. that drowning kid totally makes this post.

The Shins Live

The Decemberists Live.

The Decemberists

Live From SoHo (iTunes Exclusive)/Live At The Zoo

Score: Bitchin'

I've been sick for the last couple days, so besides contemplating getting drunk off of robitussin, which, by the way, is SUPER fucking dangerous, you can even die! how scary is that shit? anyway, between that I've downloading episodes of Full Metal Alchemist in Japanese with English subs (Japanese is really cool!) Now that you know my nerdity is not some grim facade, I really do suck this much! We may begin our dark work.

You may very well know my stance on "exclusives" that stance being that they are the absolute fucking devil. "Exclusives" are things that can only be acquired at certain places at certain times. I don't like feeling shackled by these limitations, I'd like it if i could grab exclusives anywhere, anyfuckingtime, but then it wouldn't be exclusive, right? My qualms with "exclusives" aside, this will be enjoyable for anyone who has seen the Decemberists live (i have!) and want to relive something like it, or just the Decemberists completist. The Live From SoHo was recorded in a Mac store, because as you know, Mac stores have the (arguably) best acoustics. I decided to include TWO (2) live recordings, the Live From SoHo is only 128 so it's a little on the soft side, but the Live at The Zoo recording is 192 which is much better.

Fun Fact: Although they have never answered this question in any interview I have read (many). I believe that the Decemberists got their name from the word Decembrist. A Decembrist is one who took part in the unsuccessful uprising against the Russian Emperor Nicholas I in December of 1825. Did I just blow your mind?

Live At SoHo

Live At The Zoo

don't wanna die sippin' on syrup.

For The Pure Ones.

Hello humble readership! Anyone who knows me (i.e. none of you) knows that I am not quick to anger, not quick to raise my fist in the air and become a self appointed champion for a cause. While my fist may be raised in anger now, I am by no means a champion for this cause. I am but one crusader in this journey, a journey where I won’t have to look over my back to see if The Man is attempting to anally penetrate me or if he has dispatched one of his cronies, who I will be calling Lesser Men, which they truly are, Lesser Humans, epsilon fucking minus’ multiplied by infinity plus one. These people hound our disorganized organization, they wish to bring about the fall of a group of outstanding individuals, they wish for the death of the FMC! You may be wondering what precisely the FMC is, but you already know, because you are a part, even though I have yet to send you your registration papers and complimentary mug, and you know you are a part, because when I said FMC your heart knew that this was a just cause. The FMC stands for The Free Media Coalition, The FMC, or if you don’t like the fancy word Coalition, just pretend it stands for The Free Media Cru, it’s more street that way.

The event that brought about this call to arms was one I dread to remember. It was like any other night, I had one of my dogs over to play Gears of War and I was cruising a music blog, this music blog is vast, it’s like an ocean filled to the brim with music! Anyway, while on his blog, I went to the comments section, just to see how many people are praising him for doing this important work, much to my chagrin, his comments section was rife with people shaming him!

Just look at these:

Anonymous said...

please take down the links to:
Elk City - New Believers
Yacht - I Believe in You Your Magic Is Real
We All Have Hooks For Hands - The Pretender
Jesse Malin - Glitter in the Gutter
Stars - Do You Trust Your Friends?
A Sunny Day In Glasgow - Scribble Mural Comic Journal
Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
Voxtrot - Voxtrot

i don't think a SINGLE one of these bands or their respective labels are appreciative of you flaunting illegal downloads of their music. for shame.

Verdict: self righteous asshole.

Anonymous said...

Take down all the records you are illegally offering, ie ALL of them.

Verdict: who the fuck are you?

Ian said...

Hey, could you please take these records down. It's just not cool. I run Afternoon Records (the label We All Have Hooks For Hands is on), and it just hurts to see this.
Feel free to contact me at ian@aftenroonrecords.com

Verdict: yeah, sure Ian, just because you run a record label doesn’t mean you can just tell this guy to take ALL his shit down. that’s just not cool, man.

Look, I am sympathetic to the Afternoon Records guy, but only if he was suggesting the owner of the blog taking down all the We All Have Hooks For Hands records, but his request is just ludicrous. You’ll notice that most of the commentators are quick to dole out the word shame. So how about I serve up a couple words that could very well describe the people who post on other peoples blogs, just to tell them how much they disagree/are brought to the point of retching by the very thought of free(illegal) music.

dicks, fuckers, assholes, cunts, ne’er do wells, pricks, self righteous, people with nothing better to do, cuntmuscles, lifeless, soul eaters, dark lord Sauron, Satan, baby eaters.

Listen, these guys (demons who assume the shape of humans) are just self righteous assholes, ask them to dismount their high horses or toss a rope to the belfry (where they no doubt ring the bell of injustice!) of their ivory towers and ask them to return to the ground, just long enough for you to scoop out their eyeballs with a ice cream scooper.

It might sound like I think this is one big joke, nay, I only use humor to thinly veil my disgust, as a semi-amateur photographer, do you think I care if someone right clicks on my .jpeg and saves it to their hard disc!? I don’t care, because I can’t stop it. Hey, you. Yeah, you. Have you saved any .jpeg files in your life? Because you know that it’s technically the property of whoever took the picture or made the design or whatever, so, if you have saved any illegal .jpegs, I would urge, no, plead with you to turn yourself in to the authorities or at the very least take them down before your soul is sentenced to eternal damnation! But why don’t these self righteous crusaders care about people saving/stealing images?

Well, part of it is because the government has yet to regulate what you can view, another is that they are probably hypocrites. They have never taped anything on a VCR or a DVD Recorder, never ever taped something on a cassette tape for their sweetheart, they have never broken any rules, never lent a rented DVD to a friend. These people are pure. Souls whiter than a fresh snowfall. Yeah, right.

Without downloading music, I would never have heard half of the bands that are now in my repertoire, I would have never gone to any of their shows, bought any of their merch. If it weren’t for downloadable music, I would still be in my basement listening to Linkin Park or Three Days Grace, instead I’m in the basement listening to Beirut, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, MC Frontalot, and mc chris. Do you think anyone who hasn’t been exposed to the scourge that is downloadable music would be listening to mc chris?! NO. For smaller artists it is certainly give and take, they don’t sell so many records, but the shows are packed (or more packed than without music downloads)

And do you honestly think that I’m going to go my local record shoppe (HMV) and buy the Gulag Orkestar which costs a million or more dollars? Listen, I fucking LOVE Beirut, but I’m not going to take out a second mortgage on my house just to listen to them, I would rather pay the same amount or more and go see him live, and buy some merchandise, at least then the band will actually see the fucking money.

Let’s go back to the people who were on the fucking site in the first place, what were you doing there? Why not just leave? Do you think people actually give a shit what other people think, let alone the fucking owner of the blog? “oh, I guess some assholes got mad and told me to take down ALL my illegal records, I better comply or they might whine some more.” Get a fucking life.

FMC 4 LYFE!

Beirut! LIVE! At SXSW

Blogger is being a bitch and not letting me upload a photo of Zach Condon blowing into his trumpet or whatever, because that's why he's usually doing in pictures. Pretty self explanatory here, just a live Beirut show I came across in my journey to collect all things Beirut. Enjoy.

NOTE: I've changed all my file hosting to sharebee just to see if anyone even fucking downloads this stuff. the results will no doubt be terrifying.

Beirut Live At SXSW!

The Decemberists -The Tain EP - Record Review

The Tain EP

The Decemberists

Score: 7.5

Songs that are 18 minutes and 35 seconds long are rarely good, actually, they are almost always absolute atrocities. Crimes against man. With self indulgent guitar solos that will “totally alter your reality” if you are baked out of your fucking mind. This is why stoners, or ex/sometimes/ if I’m at a party stoners will always get super pissed when I tell them that I absolutely fucking detested Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, no matter how influential on modern rock they have become, I abhor them.

That being said, The Decemberists released an opus to rival even that of Zep or Floyd, which is, as I said before, and 18 minute and 35 second epic. The Tain is The Decemberists retelling of an old Irish myth called Táin Bó Cúailnge or The Cattle Raid Of Cooley or, as you see it here, The Tain. The legend is pretty fucked up, there are curses, trysts, and crazy Irish names, like Aillil and Medb, I am also led to believe there was a battle over extremely fertile bulls. Yes, animals.

Above is the link for the story if you really want to know what the hell is really going on. this is a site for music, so I’m not going to try and interpret Irish mythology, no matter how fertile the livestock may be.

So let’s get down to the dirt here, what exactly is happening? There are five parts to The Tain. If you break it apart piece by piece, you get a better idea of how the story goes.

Part I

crone: here upon this pillow
made of reed and willow
you're a fickle little twister
are you sweet on your sister?
your fallow won't leave you alone.

and granted for their pleasure
possesions laid to measure
she's a salty little pisser
with your cock in her kisser
but now she's a will of her own.

What does this mean?! : I’m guessing this is where the Queen (Medb) and King (Aillil) are comparing their riches to that of their rival Ulster, they plan to steal Ulster’s bull in order to be as rich, or richer than him.

Part II

husband: damn your ankles and eyes wide
from you fingernails to your ponytails too.
king of the insects and the m-5
over charlemagne in a motorcade too.

and baby needs a new prize
baby needs a new and shiny prize.

captain: in this place called heavenly
you were born here.
this place called heavenly
you were born here.
you were born here.

husband: and now all the marchers descend from high
i will dedicate all of my awakenings to this.

and damn all the angles that opress my sight
i will bleed your heart through a samovar soon.

captain: in this place called heavenly
you were born here.
this place called heavenly
you were born here.
you were born here.

What does this mean?! : I think here is where the King is getting pissed that his wife just can’t be silent, they are having to go to war for a bull just to keep his woman content. King Aillil seriously needs to keep his pimp hand strong.

PART III

soldier: they settled dust in your hair
to watch you shake and shout it out.
with our armaments bared
we shed our bags and travel alls.

from the lee of the wall
he comes in the chang and the chariot
and all his eunuchs in thrall
can scarce lift his line and lariat.

here com loose his hounds
to blow me down.

chorus of waifs: blow me down.

soldier: on this stretch of ground
i'll lay me down.

chorus of waifs: lay me down.

soldier: to sleep.

chaplain: and now stricken with pangs
that tear at our backs like thistle down
the mirror's soft silver tain
reflects our last and birthing hour

soldier: here com loose his hounds
to blow me down.

chorus of waifs: blow me down.

soldier: on this stretch of ground
i'll lay me down.

chorus of waifs: lay me down.

soldier: to sleep.

What does this mean?! : This is the war part. Where Cú Chulainn and Fer Diad fight it out. Cu wins after three days, and is stricken with sorrow because he had to kill his foster brother.

PART IV

evening

widow: o the wind is blowing, it hurts your skin
as you climb up hillside, forest and fen.

your arms full of lullabies, orchids and wine
your memories wrapped within paper and twine.

the room that you lie in is dusty and hard
sleeping soft babies on piles of yards
of gingham, taffeta, cotton and silk
your dry hungry mouths cry for your mother's milk.

when the dawn comes to greet you, you'll rise with clothes on
and advance with the others, singing old songs
of cattle and maidens and withered old queens.
let the music carry you on.

the room that you lie in is dusty and hard
sleeping soft babies on piles of yards
of gingham, taffeta, cotton and silk
your dry hungry mouths cry for your mother's milk.

What does this mean?! : This is clearly after the battle and portrays the aftermath. Jesus, I don’t even know.

PART V

woman: darling dear what have you done?
your clothes are town, your make-up runs.

daughter: i ran through brambles, blooming thistle
i washed my face in the river when you whistled me on.

woman: darling dear, what have you done?
your hands and face are smeared with blood.

daughter: the chaplain came and called me out
to beat and to butcher his mother's sow

woman: but darling dear, they found him dead
this morning on the riverbed.

but hush now darling, don't you cry.
your reward's in the sweet by-and -by.
hush now baby, don't you cry.
your reward's in the sweet by-and-by.

crone: and now we've seen your powers
softly stretch the hours
you're a fickle little twister
are you sweet on your sister?
as now you go wandering home.

What does this mean?! : Who fucking knows.

I don’t think anyone really knows what the fuck The Tain is about, but it’s nice to listen to. It also makes me want to say “Taint” which is slang for vag which is short hand for vagina. Excellent.

The Tain