If you are a man (which I am assuming you are) then you know what I am talking about. Actually, even if you are a woman, you know what I am talking about. Essentially, (if you are a woman) I am talking about you. Or, more accurately, your wondrous breasts! Now, if you’re a feminist, and you think I’m just a chauvinistic pig, I urge you to read on, and you will find that I am not just an unbelievably horny teenager. You will find that I am something more; I am a scientist, a truth seeker, and an amateur pornographer.
These are boobies. I am not posting these for you to fap long into the night to. I am posting these so I can explain to you how boobies are to be divided. And that is a key idea in this essay, just how much boob do you see on a regular basis (assuming you aren’t a girl and shower constantly, or just like to touch them and shit.)
So, by now you are probably saying, “Yeah, right, I don’t need to read an essay about cleavage. I know it all, boobies are boobies.” And I would say, “You imbecile! Cleavage is more an art form than anything else; it’s the fine melding between art and science.” I am convinced that once you read this, your eyes will be opened, no, no, you will be fucking reborn. Everything will taste sweeter, (hotter, saltier, tangier, sourer, etc.). Colors will be more vivid, smells more aromatic, noises more pleasant, and the boobies, the boobies, sir, will be the greatest boobies you have ever seen. Heed my call.
Normal Cleavage (or Birds Eye View)
Let’s begin at the beginning, the cleavage that we have all seen. At the supermarket, the mall, the movie store, this cleavage is everywhere! And it’s great….the first couple times you see it. As a child, I was simply enamored with BEV (Birds Eye View) cleavage, I craved it. I would go to school just to see my teachers’ cleavage, and of course, no one suspected I was a big pervert, but I was, oh, I was. If you were one of my elementary teachers, you probably ran as quickly as your finely shaped legs would carry you, to the nearest shower, you will probably be showering for the next day or two. But if you weren’t one of them, congratulations, you may keep reading.
BEV Cleavage is taken for granted these days, it is pretty much a given that when I walk out the door in the morning, I will see the tops of over 20-30 boobies. But unlike a muffin, the top isn’t the best part. And since it is expected that boobies will be there, waiting for us, waiting for us to grace them with our eyes, and since it is such, we have fallen into a state of apathy. We no long care for the top of the booby. To modern society, it’s become just an extension of the neck. Allow me to contrast the year 2007 with the year 1950.
1950: “Gee whiz, did you see Mary Jane’s mammaries?” “I sure did, do you think we should tell the reverend (/principal, parents, the police, who knows, maybe even the fucking baker)?
2007: “Oh, hey did you see that girl’s neck?” “Yeah, man, it was pretty slender.”
You might be asking, “Where is the middle ground? Wait, was there a middle ground?” To that I would answer, “Yes, there very well might have been!” I spoke to a number of scientists about this “middle ground” theory. They were skeptical about its existence, but a number of them said that it was a possibility, but they couldn’t quite pinpoint it. One suggested that it was, in fact, the Mesozoic era. (Upon later review, it is revealed that this man was not actually a scientist.) Most actually said that it occurred somewhere between the 1970’s to the late 1990’s.
The 1970’s marked the first time in history where breasts weren’t treated like WMD’s, to be tucked away into some deep dark place, only to be opened by two keys turned exactly at the same time, with written permission from the president of the united states. They were now looked upon as these great pieces of flesh that were exactly what the male populous craved. Through the 80’s we were pretty happy with these new inventions, and this carried through to the late 1990’s when there was an epidemic.
The ho epidemic. I have always felt strongly about garden tools, and the fact that--. These new “ho’s” were everywhere! You could walk down any urban street corner and there was a good chance you could see the tops of some boobies, and who knows, maybe you even saw a vagina! If you did, awesome. These women of the night slowly eroded the awesomeness of top cleavage, booby top by booby top, men were becoming desensitized by the things they once cherished most! Women had their weapons, and they were using them. To kill. Our brains.
After this, booby tops had become the norm, the world descended into a state of chaos, our ice caps melted, our ozone layers wasted away, terrorism ran rampant, and the Red Sox even won the Series. Boobies had done us in, but maybe, just maybe, they could do us out.
Odds are, if you haven’t been living under a rock for the past couple years, you have heard of something that we, the public, lovingly refer to as a nip slip. A nip slip is when a starlet wears a very low cut gown; it even cuts off to the side exposing the outer sides of the booby. Now, you might be asking “What makes side cleavage that much better than BEV cleavage?” I would say, “See for yourself, brother.”
POW! Now that you have been exposed to Side Cleavage, and Jennifer Lopez’s unbelievably pointy nipples, I think you have some feeling, deep inside, that this is a superior cleavage when compared to BEV Cleavage. Although, what is mysterious about your feeling is that it is foggy. While your brain and penis recognize that this is much more pleasant, I mean, just look at it! It’s the side of the booby! In the next few paragraphs, I will try to clear that fog, thus, bringing you closer to the majesty that is cleavage, and shaking you from your sound slumber.
Scientists agree that Side Cleavage is the more arousing cleavage, but have yet to come up with concrete evidence as to why this is. That is, until I spoke with them on the subject. The main theory here is that Side Cleavage is better because it is rarer. How often do you see the side of a boob? The answer is- unless you are on a red carpet a lot of the time, or know a lot of ho’s- not often.
I remember when I was a young man, playin’ dice in the alleys, slangin’ newspapers on the side; I was an avid Pokémon collector. I would travel to opposite ends of the globe, searching for the rarest cards I could get my cheeto encrusted hands on. And in my travels, I noticed that people love things that are rare. Let’s get hypothetical for a second here; Say I was to get a “Charizard” while my friend got a “Charizard” as well, but his happened to be first edition. Would I be sated with my non first edition “Charizard” knowing that my friend, who lives across the street, has a first edition one? No! Fuck that shit! I would try and trade him all my shiny cards in order to get his first edition, hell, maybe even to fucking glimpse the thing. However, when he turns your offer down, you end up killing him and his family. That shit’s not good for anyone.
The point I’m trying to make, is that the reason we subconsciously love Side Cleavage more, is because we never see it. So when you see it on the street, you stare, take note, and probably store it in your mental spank bank. That is the obvious reason we love it, because the rarity is addicting. And once we get side boob, BEV looks like fucking childs play.
Before you say, “Yeah, right, the rarity (fucking idiot),” I have one more thing to add to it. We also like it because it is a different color. What’s so eye-catching about it is that it’s not even the same color as the rest of the woman’s skin. Whereas the top of her booby, the BEV, is exposed to sunlight almost constantly, it will obviously be the same color as the rest of her. BUT, when you see the side, it isn’t tanned; it is whiter, newer, better. Examine the picture of JLO carefully, notice that the skin changes tones, and while the tones change, so does your flaccidity, that is your brain showing you what is good, what is right, and what is pure. And who are you to go against your own brain?
Before you ask, no, this is not the cleavage of your soul. This is another rare form of cleavage, though, for some reason, not as tantalizing as the Side Cleavage. This one is just missing something. It is, however, better than the run of the mill BEV Cleavage. The opinion of Inner Cleavage vs. Side Cleavage varies from person to person. But since I am your guide, I will decide for you. Inner Cleavage isn’t as cool. And maybe, just maybe, when you are old enough, you can make the decision for yourself. So, without further ado, here it is.
There it is! Lindsay Lohan is a big whore. But you already knew that. ANYWAY, let’s look at it for a few seconds, and tell me the first words that come to mind. Weird…hmmm, okay, what else? Awkward…well, that’s basically the same. Let me tell you what is weird about it. It carries all the same characteristics as Side Cleavage, it is rare, and it is untouched by the sun. But it’s just; it’s hard to come by if you aren’t a huge pervert. Let’s take a look at the technique you would use to view Side Cleavage, you just stand beside someone, now, to get optimal Inner Cleavage, you need to hop quickly to one side, to snag a glimpse. If you look at it straight on, you are likely to only see 3-5% of the breast. That is by no means worth it. At least with BEV you are getting something a little more substantial.
Inner Cleavage is hard to talk about, because it isn’t that great, and it’s not worth the risk involved to take a peek at it. Say if you were to jump near a woman wearing a dress like Lindsay Lohans she would almost definitely know you were a sick-o. While I do suggest you look at a partially exposed booby whenever you have the chance, I also really suggest you not get caught. If you do, well, then you are on your own, soldier. If it’s a feminist (she’s probably not wearing a dress) but lets just say she is, if she catches you looking, you can look forward to being castrated with a rusted butter knife…slowly. On the other hand, if Lindsay catches you, she might give you a handjob or whatever…
The Neathage.
Ah, we have finally arrived at the Neathage. Probably the rarest and most ultimate cleavage there could ever possibly be. When you see it, fuck. I can’t even describe it to you. When you see it up close, in person, with some real boobies, I think it’s safe to say that you, sir, have reached a place I would like to call Xanadu. A place so robust, boobies blossoming left right and fucking center. You will know when you have reached this Holy Land, for your heart will become unencumbered and your mind will become pure. You have now reached the apex of what mankind has to offer. It doesn’t get any better.
The Neathage is usually seen when a woman of ill repute wears a cut off tank top with no bra underneath, leaving the bottom part of the booby to be seen dipping below the cloth of the tank top. Brace yourself, hold your hands tight unto your crotch to make sure your dick doesn’t tear through your fucking pants, for you are about to see something that may change your life.
OHHHHHHHHH! SHIIIIIIIIIIT! Yeah, man, me too. I’ll give you a second to clean off your trousers. I don’t really even know what to say. It’s like my mind has been temporarily erased and my brain cells are all scrambling and shorting out. My neck is starting to twitch and my eyes are starting to bleed. But I will press on, for the good of the people.
What makes Neathage so great is the fact that you never see it, which I have already made abundantly clear, but it’s also that it gives the best idea of what, exactly, you are in store for. See, it shows how round the boobies are, and it also gives you an idea of how much of toll gravity has taken on them. By taking both of these things into consideration, you can plan your best course of action; you can either fuck her, or kick her to the curb. But, if you’re reading this, I bet you don’t get laid much, or at all.
Which brings me to my next point, if you are seeing Neathage, and this girl isn’t being paid to show it to you, then there is a good chance that you could probably stick it in her. In fact, I would say that the chances that you can fuck her are close to 100%. Barring any mishaps, you could go all the way tonight, padna! (Editors note: next time you have sex, picture me. I have now inadvertently planted my seed in your subconscious. Even though you swear to yourself you won’t picture me, you actually will. Enjoy. I know I will.)
If you still aren’t second guessing your stance on cleavage (indifference) then I really haven’t done my job, or so you might think. Even though you don’t feel a difference right now, I guarantee that next time you see some boobies; you will appreciate them in all of their grandeur and opulence. I want you to remember that boobies are not to be taken for granted. I don’t know what you want from the human race, you might want something better than cleavage, maybe boobies aren’t enough for you. Maybe all you really crave are vaginas, and you won’t rest until we are able to see plenty of vagina cleavage when we step out of the house (see: camel toe) I don’t know about you, but to see a woman blatantly expose just exactly how her vag is shaped, and for it to be so profound that I can actually measure the lips and see the ridges. No, sir, no, this will not do, this will not do at all! Although we have descended into apathy, I propose that we reboot the system to when it all began. And this time, we do shit right. Remember male population, I am watching your every move. And females, I am watching your boobies. And I appreciate it. I truly do.
