In which our hero goes to the cinema and views “THE PROTECTOR” which might be a movie, or it might just be Tony Jaa hitting people for no apparent reason. Or, wait; maybe there was a reason. No. Yeah, there must have been.
So, I’m not sure where to begin, I figure I might as well dive headfirst into this SCATHING review of Tony Jaas latest blockbuster.
(Like someone would jump headfirst into an empty pool. ohhhhh.)
This will be breaking no blocks, good sir.
None blocks.
That being said, Tony Jaa can do Muay Thai like a motherfucker.
He just can’t…act or speak, or look like he doesn’t want to kill someone.
Okay, so here’s the plot.
Tony Jaa plays a guy who has sworn to protect elephants.
No, not normal elephants, that would just be absurd.
The elephants are “sacred” elephants, the ones that kings love to ride on.
So, him and his Father go to give an elephant to the king, but instead some guys steal the elephant and shoot his Dad. ROFL.
ANYWAY, Jaa wants revenge, naturally.
I’ve noticed that in every Tony Jaa movie, he always wants revenge.
It’s probably the only emotion he feels.
VENGEANCE.
Recalling the whole “plot” at this point would be…pointless. Because there is almost no plot.
So some people steal his elephant and of course he hunts them down.
In… Australia.
I also noticed that whenever he enters a room, automatically, everyone wants to kill him.
The first time he meets his nemesis Johnny, he walks into the room and everyone charges, with no provocation or anything. I guess they just rush anyone who walks in.
So after he dispatches a couple of Johnny’s zillion triad homies.
Johnny says in poorly dubbed English.
“He is done for!”
And proceeds to ring this bell, or buzzer or something that alerts all of Australia.
YEAH, THE WHOLE FUCKING CONTINENT.
ANYWAY, the people for whom this special bell tolls are none other than the most Xtreme athletes in Australia.
I shit you not.
It cuts to a bunch of slow motion shots of rollerbladers doing jumps over rails, and bmxers tail whipping over gaps.
So when they somehow get to the abandoned warehouse-in seconds- that Tony Jaa is chilling at, they grab some weapons.
They grab:
Fluorescent light tubes.
To smash on him.
I have been smashed with a tube before, they do not hurt, they do, however, leave a chalky residue on you.
Boo!
Oh, and the most badass of the Xtreme guys was a guy on an ATV covered in spiky studs.
Totally Punx0r.
At one point in the movie, a guy pulls a knife on Jaa and he kicks it out of his hand, and for no apparent reason, it turns to slow motion and he kicks out a streetlight.
But I suppose if I had the ability to break streetlights with my feet I would.
And if someone asked me why I did, I would kill them, probably.
Next we are introduced to someone particularly powerful.
You know how I could tell he was powerful?
He was riding a segway down the hall, and everyone else was walking.
You know you are the fucking man when….
So this powerful guy goes to a private mudbath where this girl rubs mud all over her happy places and everyone is cool.
But then some hooded guy walks in and kills them.
Why?
I have absolutely no fucking idea.
One thing I do admire about Jaa is the way that he opens doors.
He gets an unsuspecting cronie to stand in front and then wham!
KNEE TO THE CHEST!
And the doors fly open, like magic!
So cut to the last 20 minutes, maybe even the last 10.
Between the mudbath shooting and now.
Substantial things have happened.
Jaa storms a restaurant serving endangered animals as FOODZ!
Jaa kills a lot of people.
He beats Johnny up. But does not kill him!
He discovers a load of rare baboons and starts to tear up, or he could be sweating from the eye.
Jaa hits someone in the chest with his knees.
He finds his elephant, one of them anyway, this ones name is KOHRN!
He finds a load of thai prostitutes, he doesn’t even hit one of them.
This is the only scene that he is not hitting or being hit.
He does that knee thing again.
The people who are after Jaa burn down a monestary where they were hiding out.
Everyone dies.
Seriously, more knee?
Jaa kills some more people.
There is dialogue.
This brings us to the final boss fight.
I’m sorry, I meant the heart wrenching climax.
Jaa fights 4 pro wrestlers/giants, they even throw his elephant on the ground!
Impressive!
There is some dialogue.
It turns out that they killed one of his elephants and covered his bones in gold.
Badass!
So Jaa cries for a bit, while getting kicked in the face?
Until someone stabs him.
Now he wants revenge.
So he breaks everyones arms, legs, other places.
Until he comes to this whip wielding, chubby inducing, triad queen.
They fight for a bit.
The giants beat the shit out of Jaa.
But just when you think he’s dead. (OH NO!)
(he actually dreams in this part, and the dream looks like a cheap videogame, excellent!)
He grabs some of his dead elephants bones and beats the shit out of people with them, then they get broken and he turns them into blades!
He cuts those giant fuckers up.
The triad queen flees to her helicopter, which is just now taking off!
She jumps on the bottom of it and hangs on.
But Jaas not gonna let the bitch flee.
So.
Doing the only logical thing.
FLYING KNEE TO THE CHEST, OFF A BUILDING! IN SLOW MOTION!
I don’t know what Jaa thought was going to happen, but he fell through a huge sky light and landed in the bones of his dead elephant pal.
But wait, he lands just on the tusks so it looks like the elephant is holding him safe in his tusks!
And he isn’t even pierced by one of them!
Lucky!
So Jaa gets up and walks away.
And it fades to black just as the voiceover says hero, or something flattering like that.
Horrible movie: 3/10
Sweet kung fu moves: 7/10
THAT EQUALS 10/10!
TRUE CINEMATIC TRIUMPH!
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